Changing my life to change myself

Wow! It's been a really long time since I've written here. I didn't stop for any particular reason, but did none the less. Recently, I've decided that I sometimes want to share more of my thoughts than I can on a status update on Facebook. I don't even necessarily care if others read my thoughts, I think I just want to get them out there for me to process...

This has been a hard week for me. I try to be this upbeat, positive, happy person, but have felt lately like that is just a front. I have spent a lot of time lately trying to be to my friends what I want them to be to me. Just because I treat others that way doesn't really let them know that's what I want from our friendship. I can't just believe that they know what I value in a friendship without telling them. I've put so much time into that false belief that they will be the kind of friends to me that I want them to be, that I haven't spent enough time making myself happy. That ends now. I hate how selfish that sounds, but I need to start putting myself and what I want first.

I need to take a look at what's on my to do list and figure out what's on there that I really want to do and what is on there just because I feel I have to, or should do it. What do I really value? What do I really care about? I have realized that need to spend my time getting to where I want to be in my life, not forgetting about living in the present, but allowing myself to be happy about parts of my present and thinking about what doesn't make me happy and limiting the time I spend on that. Part of this will mean that I will need to talk to my friends about what I want/need in our friendships, but a bigger part of it will really require me to reflect on myself and make decisions that move my life forward.

Normally, when my personal life stressed me out, I would always throw myself into work. I am finally at a point where I have a work/life balance. I love what I do when I am at work and think I do a good job at it, but I am able to leave things at the door when it's time for me to go home. This means that I can't (and won't) use work to escape the other stuff in my life.

I'm going to set out here my goals for myself for the next week. This way, if nothing else, I am accountable to myself next week to see if I have followed through on them (but I do encourage all of my friends who read this to also hold me accountable and remind me of what I am trying to do).

For this week (I've decided to start my week on the weekend for purposes of these goals) I will:
~ Do things I really want to do, even if it means doing them by myself.
~ Make choices for myself without worrying about what others will think.
~ Not let others make me feel like I am inferior. If I start to feel this way I will think of all the positive things I know that I have done for others that have impacted their life and forget about what it is that I am not doing well enough.

Kind of ambitions, but if I can keep them in the forefront of my mind, hopefully I will be able to be happier...

I'll let you know next week if it works that way.